Is it you, or is it him?
I don’t know that, but I do know that there are a lot of men who have brought their baggage to relationships. It’s quite possible THEY didn’t know just how much baggage they had.
Unfortunately, this becomes your problem, too. I hope you can take a little solace in knowing you are not alone. It’s actually everyone’s problem.
Assessing the Baggage Early
If you are in the dating game, my suggestion would be to learn as quickly as you can, as openly and honestly as you can, about his undealt-with behaviors. It’s your life we are talking about, and potentially the lives of any children you have with him.
Find out early about his upbringing, his parents and siblings, his friends ... everyone and everything that shaped him. Get around them, bring a trusted friend (or two) for a second (or third) opinion. Ask him directly what his go-to behaviors under stress are.
Ask to see his phone, his "private" stuff. Yes, go there. Compulsive users are expert liars and you need to be an expert lie and liar detector. Pay for awkwardness and discomfort now or pay more down the track ... a lot more ... Your choice.
This is serious business.
If you doubt this, I recommend you invest a little time and money into reading books like:
- The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays
- Strangers by Belle Burden
- The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry (Extreme I know, but this IS serious. Bring extra tissues for this one)
Limerence and a new relationship can be a lovely thing. That exciting energy, all is well in the world, hope, acceptance, the buzz … then this state changes and a broader picture comes into view.
Overlooking his conditioning and his programming from childhood is like playing Russian roulette. Would you play Russian roulette?
You get the idea. I don’t mean to scare you off relationships. I do want you to be careful about who you let into your life and who you have children and grandchildren with.
Can He Change?
There is a ton of pain in infidelity repair, but it can be worked through.
That’s the good news. If you’ve picked wrong and are considering staying with him, he can change, he can improve, he can overcome his old, unhealthy scripting.
Speaking and listening to many men already seeking help, I’m aware of the internal battles they have. They feel like they are being torn apart from the inside and suppressed and pushed down from the outside.
Overcoming their own programming is like hating yourself and wanting to be loved for who you are at the same time. It’s a dilemma.
The men I speak with never intended to do harm to anyone. But that is what they’ve done.
They’ve blown up relationships and marriages, participated in exploitation of others, and generally have done some anti-social, unacceptable things that really get them further away from solving any issues.
And if you’ve been betrayed … you’re in the middle of it as an unwilling participant. I truly feel for you. You did not ask for this.
What About Going It Alone?
Option 3 is going it alone. Yes, that’s an option. However, it may solve some problems but it may also create or magnify others. It'd be a good idea to read up on Attachment Theory (Brown and Elliott et al) and work out where you fall between secure, insecure (and its sub-categories) and go from there.
The Path Forward
My work is in helping men who have been unfaithful or who have problems with pornography and compulsive sexual or emotional behaviors, whether in a relationship or not. The problem seems to be growing, access is easier than ever, and more people are more distracted than ever.
There are solutions. The solution starts with action.
If your picker is broken and you are staying with him, book him a call with me to talk (and act on) a plan to get him on track, over his compulsive activities, and engaged with you and your family.
He doesn’t know it yet, but he can change, he can get over this, he can find real joy and satisfaction. You can both heal and move forward … to use a Stan Tatkin phrase… “In each other’s arms.”
Book a call. Start the process.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.
- Repair After Infidelity Requires You to Be Present — Why distraction triggers her threat radar and what true presence looks like.
- Communication After Discovery: Unlocking His Protective Behaviors — Why unfaithful men clam up, stonewall, or run when under pressure.
- Being OK with Not Being OK: Bluffing & Rebuilding Marriage Vows — Dropping the mask and ending the lifelong series of bluffs.