I see this often: unfaithful men stuck in the mindset of fear of loss. Fear their wife will leave them.
I’ve heard it said that there is the original fear, then there is the fear of the fear. The second arrow.
Either way, it's another form of preoccupation with personal interest and it keeps the unfaithful from accepting the consequences and moving through and forwards. Meanwhile, the betrayed wife/partner is also stuck wondering:
- Why doesn’t he get it?
- Why doesn’t he hear and understand me?
- Why is he not improving?
It can take some time for men to understand this … left alone, some may never get this. If they don’t come to this themselves or they don’t have someone to guide them, they can get stuck in their own heads, their own closed-mindedness. They can’t see a way out of their own thinking.
Around and around they go, unable to take a step out and see what’s happening and what to do about it.
When the Lights Go On
A shift in perspective allows the unfaithful partner to see a bigger picture. It’s not all about them and their “inability” to accommodate your pain and attempt repair.
I emphasized inability because it’s only a perception. Of course they can change, but they need to believe it or adopt a different view on the whole situation.
I see it often. Men “doing the work”, and at some point frustration builds and they find themselves under intense internal pressure. Tears, self-criticism, agitation and angering, sometimes a sensation of hopelessness, sometimes they want to give in and hit the “Fuck it button” ... as in:
“Fuck this, fuck everything. I don’t know what to do. I’m running away.”
All outward expressions of internal turmoil, in my opinion.
This is not a bad place to be, but what they do next is important. Do they stay in the pressure cooker, or do they hit that button?
Surrendering to "Not Knowing"
My hope is that they surrender to “not knowing”. Surrendering to not knowing means they become open to change.
They can also surrender to the consequences. They relinquish control. They are exhausted from fighting and come around to that point where they admit they don’t know what to do and they don’t have the answers.
They know that they hurt and that they hurt you … badly. It’s really hard for them to admit. It’s kind of like admitting weakness ... difficult for men to do in our culture.
Getting Out of Limiting Perspectives
My point is, and my coaching style is, helping men get to this point, break through, see clearly what happened, how they got here, and where they need to, and can go next.
I help them get out of their limiting perspectives and beliefs and get into the relationship with you. You thought they were already in. I believe they’ve been fighting their own demons and they want to be in relationship with you.
How do I know? They tell me so.
When they can accept that you might leave, and that they have to face the consequences of their actions (or get to face the consequences), they are in a better position to learn and change.
I help them get to this point faster than them doing it themselves. It’ll save both of you time, money, and pain. It may even keep the family together.
Book a call. Let me help him to see clearly and plan his next steps.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.
- My Picker's Broken: Staying with Him, Starting Over, or Going It Alone? — Overcoming old, unhealthy scripting and childhood programming.
- Repair After Infidelity Requires You to Be Present — Why distraction triggers her threat radar and what true presence looks like.
- Take Off My Mask, David? Are You Insane? — Dropping defenses and learning safe transparency.