Being OK with Not Being OK, Bluffing and Marriage Vows

Integrity & Transformation
Written by David

So many men spend a huge part of their lives bluffing ... simply because they have never been OK with who they think they are.

From as far back as they can remember, they’ve been on high alert. To them, the world has never been a safe place to be, so they learned the art of bluffing early on.

Bluff (verb): To deceive someone by making them think either that you are going to do something when you really have no intention of doing it, or that you have knowledge that you do not really have, or that you are someone else. — Cambridge Dictionary

This is the reality for so many guys. They bluff people into thinking they are someone else entirely, someone who is either:

  1. Cool, calm, and unmoved, or
  2. Entirely unaffected by the deep fear and anxiety they feel in their bodies.

The Wedding Day & The Vows

When speaking with unfaithful men, a common theme emerges when looking back at their wedding day. What mindstate were they actually in?

Some describe being excited, nervous, fearful, jittery, anxious ... on a nervous high, far from thinking clearly. Many had spent their whole lives trying to stay under the radar, out of sight, and out of the spotlight. Yet on that day, they stood directly in it.

Then came the marriage vows:

“I take you to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.”

Were they bluffing? Yes and no. Were they confident? No. Did they mean it? Yes. Did they have unresolved issues? Absolutely.

As time goes on, life simply continues to be a series of “bluffs.” Just like in a card game, they bluff confidence under stressful situations, managing to get by for the most part until the coping or soothing strategies are discovered.

Author Stan Tatkin offers a far more realistic framing for marriage vows in his book, Wired for Love:

“I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.”

If partners only knew what they were getting into … If these men only knew themselves back then, they might have told their partners to run and not look back.

What Real Recovery Teaches

A core issue is that most men simply don’t know how to be OK with whatever emotion comes up inside them.

Through doing the work of rewiring ... reprogramming, they learn:

  • That it’s OK to not know what will happen next.
  • That real support is available.
  • That it is a sign of maturity and secure attachment to ask for help.

Think about how a child regulates:

  1. A child comes to a parent upset and crying.
  2. The parent doesn’t know why the child is upset.
  3. The parent holds steady in a loving manner and expresses concern, care, and patience.
  4. The parent holds them and waits, comfortably not knowing what comes next.
  5. The child starts to co-regulate because the parent is solid and regulated.
  6. The child explains their hurts and the situation.
  7. The child moves off again to play or explore. "This" problem resolved.

Stopping the Bluff

Many men have thought they had to bluff their way through life. They don’t have to anymore. Your wayward spouse doesn’t have to either.

Liberation comes when men learn to be OK with whatever arises within them. They can voice it, sit with it, and be comfortable not knowing what comes next.

Help is available. He needs a guide to help him drop the mask and become that solid, regulated anchor for himself, your children ... and for you.

👉 Book a Call with David Today

Recommended Reading & Next Steps:

David https://3pillarscoach.com
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Communication After Discovery: Unlocking His Protective Behaviors