It really is like we are from two different planets. When you are not understanding each other, you might be wondering if he really is an alien.
John Gray’s book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, is an older book now, but it has some great concepts that speak to this disconnect.
The attachment styles that you each have play a huge part in this, too.
Two Different Realities Under Pressure
You might be asking him:
“How on Earth could you possibly think what you did was a suitable solution? What the hell is wrong with you?”
... and you expect a somewhat clear, mature answer.
He, on the other hand, has already been activated in an unhelpful way before you even started talking. He is already on high alert. He does not want to visit this topic or anything related to his betrayal at all … ever.
As you ask in various ways to unlock his tongue and get the truth, because you need the truth to know the extent of this and what to do about it, he seems to:
- Side-step
- Clam up
- Minimize
- Distract
- Cry, stonewall, or lash out in anger
Or maybe he does blurt it out, but it’s in such a disorganized, contradictory manner that it leaves you just as confused as before you asked.
Self-Preservation
What the hell do you do with this guy? You are not getting anywhere.
When this round is over, he quietly breathes a sigh of relief and goes to lick his wounds. Most likely in isolation, or if not, he is deadly quiet in your presence, playing "Mr. Good Boy" and we know how that feels ...
These are responses to distress and the following self-preservation strategies. That’s where he is at: preserving himself.
He’s gone inside. It is going to take some “unlocking” to get him back out and eventually talking about what he’s done, what he’s experiencing, and what to do about it all.
How We Get Him Unstuck
This is what I am good at. I listen to and speak with guys every day.
I help them get through or past their “stuff” so they can be present and available for you. They want to be present and available for you ... they tell me so. They just don’t know how to overcome their deeply set programming to do that.
He needs a guide. Consider allowing me to work with him to help you.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.
- Struggling with a Partner Acting Like the Victim — Understanding nervous system collapse and childhood scripting after discovery.
- Secure vs. Insecure Attachment: The Lens That Explains Everything — How attachment styles dictate conflict and distance.
- Why Can't He Just Be Honest? Trickle Truth & Double Lives — Breaking the cycle of defense mechanisms, lies, and silence.