YOU have been betrayed. Now what?
My guess is you are seeking safety.
I coach men in my spare time to get their shit together and repair the damage infidelity causes.
Sorry. A smiling photo. Probably not what you want to see right now. Warning: I swear a lot and I’m not always politically correct.
This is me, David. Hello.
TL;DR: It all starts with SAFETY. No safety = no progress. He doesn’t know what to do. He needs another man to tell him and guide him. You have choices. You didn’t cause any of this.
Why am I doing this and why would you bother to read on?
I am frustrated. I attend a ton of meetings. I have paid a ton of money to therapists. I have read a ton of books on PTSD, C-PTSD, Betrayal Trauma, Developmental Trauma, Human Behavior, Relationship Repair … it goes on.
Someone needs to tell men what to do (and how to do it)
My strategy:
You either book him an appointment with me or send him the link to book it himself stating, "I am done begging you to understand my pain. Book a call with this guy today."
I listen to his story. It will mostly be about him and his “big issue(s)”. I say, “Yes that must have been tough. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” I relate (because I too had to deal with stuff). I build relationship and understanding. Man to man. Hurt person to hurt person. Baggage to baggage you might say.
I then help him realize that yes, whatever came before and whatever challenges you are experiencing right now, need attention, but RIGHT NOW YOUR BETRAYED WIFE NEEDS SAFETY. I could record this and play this on a repeating loop. Probably just like you have. I will say this though … It is different coming from another male. It also means a lot coming from someone with the same or similar experience.
Nothing happens, nothing progresses, nothing changes without safety
So, I drill this into his head. Sometimes nicely, sometimes not-so-nicely. Always with compassion, concern and good intention.
Men need to be reminded of their roles in society. They also need to be reminded of what they signed up for. If they signed up for a marriage or relationship, then there are responsibilities. One of them is to keep their partner SAFE. One is to PROTECT the relationship. Another is to keep the community safe. Another is to keep themselves safe.
Unfaithful men need to do 2 things simultaneously
They need to find ways to work on, and fix their shit that they brough into the relationship BEFORE THEY MET YOU. Their programming got them (and you) here. It needs to change.
They need to fulfill their roles as husband, protector, carer, father (if there are children), brother, son, friend etc.
That’s what I do. I help them see clearly and do what needs to be done. With my support and guidance, they get to acceptance of what they have done (this in the right mindset leads to reparative action), a deep understanding that it has devastated your life, that YOU NEED THEM TO FIX IT, that you need an apology and assurance that they will never do it again while you are in the picture. EVER.
There’s a lot in this. If it’s Full, Therapist-Guided Disclosure that you need, we will talk (and take action) on that. Many wives want this. It’s a Full Disclosure given in the presence of specially trained therapists, one for him and one for you. It is often 1 of 3 documents, the other 2 being an Emotional Impact Letter (from you) and then a Restitution Letter (from him). It’s painful shit … for both of you. My experience is that they have been helpful (and very, very uncomfortable).
You might want to consider polygraphs. Polygraphs contribute to the assessment of truth and safety. A trained Polygrapher tests him with measuring equipment (and questioning techniques) to determine if he is being truthful in his words and actions, that he isn’t doing anything secretively, that he isn’t disrespectful, damaging or hurtful to you and the relationship.
Another frustration of mine is the cost of all this “professional” help. Fucking hell there’s a ton of money being handed out. $250 to $800 per hour for therapists, $800 to $1,000 for polygraphs, $5,000 to $30,000 for programs, courses and/or rehab centers! How much does one have to pay to get the points:
You need safety.
He has to get over his shit to provide that safety and be a decent human being.
He needs to participate fully in what he signed up for … marriage, relationship, fatherhood, etc.
OK David. Safety. Then what? What else?
Your husband/partner and I are going to set about attending to all the things that lead him to his behavior. It’s rewiring his programming. It’s re-writing the code that runs his operating system or writing a work-around that works until it sticks and the old scripts fade away.
I’m going to assist your man to see that what he thinks, speaks and does has weight in the world, and that he can use that strength (energy, whatever you want to call it) and put it to good use … For you, your relationship, your children, for the community that you all live in. That’s what I have done and that is what I teach others to do. Simple yes, not easy.
I am going to be his advisor and guide rails until the positive feedback loop kicks in. Yes, that is what happens. He will eventually “get it”. He will get that he can’t just float through life only attending to HIS stuff. HIS discomfort. HIS childhood crap.
Your choices
Do nothing and hope it all goes away by itself.
Wade through all this without a guide (painful, expensive but can be done).
Find a therapist: APSAT, CSAT, Betrayal Trauma or Sex Addiction-informed (or one each) and work through all this, perhaps paid by insurance.
Find a coach to do the “grunt work” saving money and find a qualified CSAT therapist (or 2) to do the guided disclosures with and more “specialist” type work.
If you know of other choices, please let me know. My email address is on the booking form.
There is nothing you could have done to prevent this
Well done if you have read this far. This is not an easy situation to be in. You didn’t cause it. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. You (the betrayed) have my deepest sympathies. I don’t mean to be patronizing. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy.
You have been a passenger in a car crash. He was the driver. You were hurt. YOU BOTH need attention. You need a safe support group; he needs guidance. He needs to book an appointment with me.