How do you operate in the world when things are good?
When things are not-so-good?
How does your partner operate?
How does each of you see things?
How do you and your partner operate under stress, separately and together?
Is the world a place of plenty (safety) or a place of scarcity (unsafe, fearful, uneasy)?
How do you, or will you, attend to your children, your grandchildren, your parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues?
Attachment Theory speaks directly to these concerns. And if betrayal is in the mix, it magnifies it 100-fold.
Key Traits of Securely Attached People
- Comfort with Vulnerability: They can freely express needs, feelings, and boundaries without fearing that intimacy will ruin the relationship.
- Effective Conflict Resolution: During disagreements, they focus on solving the issue rather than "winning" or attacking their partner.
- Balanced Autonomy: They enjoy close connection but remain comfortable with independence, encouraging partners to have their own lives too.
- High Emotional Resilience: They bounce back from relationship setbacks or rejections without losing their core sense of self-worth.
Key Traits of Insecurely Attached People (Anxious, Avoidant, or Disorganized)
- Hypervigilance or Detachment: Anxiously attached individuals constantly check for signs of abandonment, while avoidantly attached individuals actively pull away if things get too close.
- Fear of Dependency: They either view relying on others as dangerous (Avoidant) or worry that others won't be there when needed (Anxious).
- Communication Roadblocks: They tend to express hurt through indirect methods—such as excessive texting and reassurance-seeking, passive-aggression, or completely shutting down during tough conversations.
- Internalized Insecurity: Their self-worth is often tied directly to external approval or maintaining self-reliance at all costs.
The Deep Roots of Attachment Theory
I implore both of you to read up on Attachment Theory. I am not talking about the lightweight stuff out there that promises to solve problems in 30 minutes. I am talking about the heavily researched and studied theories, experiments, and foundational works:
- John Bowlby: British psychoanalyst who formulated the foundational theory that human infants have an innate biological need to stay close to a primary caregiver for survival.
- Mary Ainsworth: Worked closely with Bowlby and operationalized his ideas through the famous "Strange Situation" protocol. She identified the three primary infant classifications: Secure, Insecure-Avoidant, and Insecure-Ambivalent/Resistant.
- Mary Main: A student of Ainsworth who expanded the framework to adults. She co-identified the Disorganized/Disoriented infant attachment style (with Judith Solomon) and created the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), shifting the focus to internal mental representations.
- Patricia Crittenden: Also a student of Ainsworth, she reframed attachment behaviors, especially in complex or abusive contexts, as dynamic strategies for self-protection rather than static traits or pathologies.
- Cindy Hazan & Phillip Shaver: Pioneered the translation of infant-caregiver attachment principles into adult romantic relationships, demonstrating that the same dynamics govern adult intimacy and relationship security.
- Kim Bartholomew: Refined adult attachment theory into four distinct styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant.
- Peter Fonagy: Integrated attachment theory with psychoanalysis and neuroscience, introducing the concept of mentalization, the capacity to understand mental states in oneself and others.
- Sue Johnson: Developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, using attachment theory as the explicit roadmap for mapping relationship distress and repairing emotional bonds.
Why This Matters in Betrayal Recovery
I don’t profess to be a academic expert in Attachment Theory, but I’ve done a lot of reading, my own work, and will continue to do more. I know it is absolutely essential to understand the attachment dynamics of the individuals in a relationship, and behaviors concerning both inside and outside influences.
It answers some of the the questions that come up:
- Why do we do what we do?
- Why can’t he stay present for me?
- Why did he stray?
- Why do I flip-flop emotionally, one minute loving him, the next feeling disgusted?
- Why does he stonewall, cry, or run?
- Why is my nervous system on fire?
Infidelity and betrayal are life-altering. If you’ve read this far, you don’t need me to tell you that.
There are solutions. You don’t have to navigate this alone, and you don’t have to reinvent the wheel.
Find a guide to help you through. I work with men only. He needs a guide, and I can be that guide for him to get solid, be present and available for you and turn his life around. It will help both of you, the relationship and any children you have now, or in the future.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- The 3 Pillars Relationship Recovery Roadmap — A structured framework out of betrayal chaos.
- Struggling with a Partner Acting Like the Victim — Understanding nervous system collapse and childhood scripting after discovery.
- SAFETY – Safety – SAFETY – Safety — Why progress stops completely without felt relational safety.
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.