"Why Can't He Just Be Honest?" (Trickle Truth & Double Lives)
When it comes to guys who can't be honest, two types come to mind:
- Most of the guys I hear from are shit-scared. Scared of facing up to it, scared of your reaction (anger, disappointment in them, sadness), scared of losing you.
- If the unfaithful tends to be grandiose, then he may think he’s above all this and owes you nothing. He can do what he wants and is answerable to no one. He makes the rules.
Are they anxious or avoidant? Or do they flit between the two? Both types have "go-to" mechanisms likely installed in childhood.
The Excuses and the Defense Mechanisms
- Some guys can’t bear the thought of hurting you with the truth. They think you may not be able to handle it: “No, I couldn’t do that to her. She’s hurt enough already” or “I’ve hurt her too much.”
- Some guys will tell what they think is juuuuuust enough to get off the hook and hope this goes away.
- Some guys are compulsive liars and will just continue to lie like they’ve always done.
- Some guys are all about self-preservation. Their own safety is more important than yours.
My opinion is that after they “come round,” many men can’t believe what they’ve done. They are shell-shocked in a way. I realize this may not be a popular thing to say, and you, the betrayed, may be upset by this idea, but when I speak about this in meetings, I see men nodding their heads in agreement.
Where Does It Come From?
Bringing it back to their experiences in childhood, it’d be interesting to know if they have mommy-wounds or daddy-wounds or some other wound that remains unattended.
As boys, many had to please caregivers in order to survive. Gabor Maté speaks strongly to this.
What was demonstrated to them in childhood? Passivity or aggression? From which parent? It makes a difference in the adult they became.
How Do I Coach These Guys?
I provide a safe place for them. They can relax with me and open up. Get their fears and concerns out. I understand where they are coming from.
With safety, we can move into action. Action includes:
- Finding new ways to regulate.
- Stopping any undesirable behaviors.
- Leaving affair partners, porn, and any other compulsive behaviors.
- Working at keeping you safe.
My priority is to help him keep you safe. In keeping him safe and regulated, he can attend to what he needs to do, which is disclose his history and hurtful behaviors so you can make a decision whether to stay or go.
He will “wake up”, get clear on his choices, and move into action. It will be painful and scary for both of you. I can guarantee you though, he needs a guide. He hasn’t got the faintest idea what to do or how to do it. I do.
If it’s Full Therapeutic Disclosure (therapist-guided) you want, I can guide him to do that. If disclosure is to be accompanied by a polygraph test, I can guide him to do that too.
What Do YOU Want?
I am here for both of you to get this right. I work with men only for BOTH of you. You will hopefully seek support and guidance too. I have suggestions for your regulation and healing too.
This is life-changing trauma. No small thing. You know it already.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- The 3 Pillars Relationship Recovery Roadmap — A structured framework out of betrayal chaos.
- How Do You Move Out of Shame? You Clean Up Your Mess — Taking 100% responsibility after discovery.
- SAFETY – Safety – SAFETY – Safety — Why progress stops completely without felt safety.