This is one of the most profound phrases I have heard yet.
Why? It's a solution and a consequence in only 5 simple words.
A Quick Google Search on the Phrase
Origins:
"Let go or be dragged" is widely popularized as an anonymous Zen or Buddhist proverb, though it has no documented source in ancient Asian texts.
- Ancient Philosophical Antecedent: The metaphor traces back to ancient Stoicism. The Stoic philosopher Cleanthes (later cited by Seneca) wrote, "The fates lead the willing and drag the reluctant."
- Modern Popularization: The exact phrasing "let go or be dragged" gained modern traction through American Buddhist author Lama Surya Das in his 1997 book, Awakening the Buddha Within.
Who Uses It?
- Mindfulness & Spiritual Practitioners: Used in Zen, secular Buddhism, and yoga communities to explain non-attachment, the idea that suffering occurs when you try to cling to things outside your control.
- Therapists & Recovery Communities: Applied in addiction recovery, grief counseling, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help people release toxic relationships, past trauma, or unchangeable outcomes.
- Modern Stoics: Referenced in contemporary Stoic discussion circles as a summary of accepting fate (amor fati).
Where to Start?
So many of us are hanging onto things that do not serve … anyone.
- Friends who do not reciprocate
- Investments of time, money, or resources that only deplete us
- Illusions … or should I say, delusions? Fantasies that we hope will satisfy, but do not, cannot and will not.
When we do not let go of certain delusions, they occupy our time and mental capacity at the cost of something else … perhaps something better.
Have you been holding onto a rope being dragged by a horse? Let go of the rope. It hurts less, for less time, and will resolve itself sooner than later.
Pornography is like this. It’s a delusion. It doesn’t help anyone. It prolongs any problems you’re experiencing. It does not allow capacity for better things to arise (like healthier coping strategies and better relationships!).
Wishing for a good or better outcome unreasonably is wishing your life away, closing the door to something potentially more rewarding.
Pema Chödrön & Shenpa (Grasping)
Related to this story of illusion or delusion, but definitely not the same, is grasping.
Pema Chödrön frequently writes about grasping and attachment (shenpa). One book I really like is The Places That Scare You.
What is Shenpa?
- The Hook: The exact millisecond we get triggered and feel a physical, pre-verbal tightening in our body.
- The Itch: An uncomfortable urge that prompts us to default to our old, mechanical habits (like reaching for food, porn, alcohol, anger, or self-blame) to escape discomfort.
- The Cycle: In Tibetan Buddhism, shenpa is viewed as the visceral experience of clinging that keeps us trapped in cycles of suffering.
Two Key Takeaways
I can write all day about these two topics:
- Not letting go and not clearing out the dead wood will take up valuable resources. In our minds and in our bodies. It prevents us from moving on. We get stuck in false beliefs.
- Shenpa … not seeing the immediate grasping kickstarts a ritualistic, problematic “belief” that whatever has taken our fancy will likely satisfy us (when it won't long-term).
There is value in giving something a good go … trying to resolve relationship issues, building a business … this is absolutely true.
There also comes a time to let go. There are just some things we cannot control. We set our boundaries or limits, and we let go of the outcome.
- Betrayed partners ... You set the boundaries and communicate consequences if he breaks them, and let go. He will conform or not (which is also good data).
- Unfaithful partners need to get very good at seeing clearly what is helpful and healthful long-term … for each of you and the relationship. Letting go of what is useless.
If either of you cannot or do not see clearly, wise decisions are harder to make.
Book him an appointment to discuss this. It is only your happiness and the rest of your life we are talking about here.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.
- A Powerful Technique for Identity Change: Stopping Porn & Affairs — Stopping porn and affairs through identity.
- Being OK with Not Being OK: Bluffing & Rebuilding Marriage Vows — Dropping the mask and ending the series of bluffs.