Two books I’ve listened to recently on audiobook:
- Dr. Tyson Yunkaporta’s Sand Talk
(Tyson is a Doctor of Education (Ed.D.) – James Cook University (2009), Senior Research Fellow / Senior Fellow – Deakin University, and Founder – Indigenous Knowledge Systems Lab at Deakin University) - Eddie Betts’ The Boy from Boomerang Crescent
(One of the most celebrated figures in Australian Rules Football (AFL), he transitioned into leadership, coaching, media commentary, and extensive community advocacy)
Both these authors are First Nations People from Australia. Both these authors speak to the fact that we exist “in community”.
We need community. We cannot exist without community.
We Cannot Exist in Isolation
My interpretation is this: We cannot exist in isolation. We need other people. We are social animals that are healthiest in groups and amongst others.
Isolation leads to deterioration. The mind goes to unhealthy places and thoughts. The body follows.
The community we belong to sets the rules. Indigenous peoples lived for tens of thousands of years long before colonization. How? In community, supported by community, following community's laws (and lores). I know I need community just to live and eat, and keep warm and sheltered.
Ideally, healthy individuals come from a healthy community. Societal rules attempt to stamp out anti-social behavior … behavior that does not benefit the continued existence of the community.
Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Shame
Addiction expert from Stanford and Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Dr. Anna Lembke, speaks to this as well. In her interviews and her book, Dopamine Nation, she speaks of pro-social shame and anti-social shame:
- Pro-social shame: Encourages people to stay in alignment with the tribe’s or community’s rules.
- Anti-social shame: That feeling of being exiled, excluded from the group that just feels awful.
“I have done something wrong and have a felt-sense, a visceral feeling of having done something dishonorable, or disgraceful. I feel awful inside”
It’s a signal to the individual that this behavior does not benefit the relationships and community which is supporting them.
Asking the Core Question
So, if you sit in a quiet space and ask the question, “What’s my role?”, the answer most likely will be clear: Look after your community. Participate. Protect it.
Why would you do that? Because “it just feels right, it feels good.” The side benefit is you get looked after as well, by that very community that you are caring about. That same (wider) community that supports your wife and children.
You see, it’s not all about you. The addicted, disillusioned mind tries to tell you it is.
I challenge you to challenge your mind and thoughts. Start to turn that ship around and see that there is a different, and more useful, perspective to be developed. That is where joy and satisfaction can be found.
It’s not in pornography. It’s not in chasing illusions. It’s not in the disrespect and shame that infidelity results in.
You will feel better, your partner and family will benefit, your community will benefit.
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Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- What Do Mind-Altering Drugs, Porn, and Unicorn Blood Have in Common? — Breaking the cycle of compulsive seeking and chasing illusions.
- Giving Away the Bride — Understanding your role and your responsibility.
- Cleaning Up Your Mess: Pause the Oars, Get Quiet, Clarity Arises — Stepping off the mousewheel of distraction.
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.