SAFETY, SAFETY, SAFETY. A Story …
Why didn't he tell her 9 months ago? ...
Recently I was on a call (not a coaching call) with a guy who had been unfaithful and was discovered about 5 years ago by his current partner. They’ve been together for about 8 years, both previously divorced.
9 months prior to the call, he’d received a text message from "a female friend from the past." They were friends before he married his first wife and had not been in contact for many years, over 15. The friend had run into his sister in a shop. They talked.
He didn’t tell his current partner about receiving the message from her.
It turns out that his first wife didn’t want him communicating with the old friend. No reason given (to me).
About 3 months ago, his current, long-term partner, the one who he’d cheated on early in their relationship, and the reason they are in recovery, picked up his phone and went through his messages and came across this one.
“Who’s this?” she asked.
“An old friend,” he replied. “She ran into my sister at the shop.”
“Why haven’t you answered her? It seems like a nice text. She sounds lovely.”
A conversation ensued, he became angry and dysregulated, and threatened to leave ... both the house and the relationship.
WTF just happened?
Why didn't he take the initiative and inform his partner when he received the message?
This couple had been in recovery from his infidelity for about 5 years. They have their ups and downs, but there is something unresolved. She feels uneasy about his reaction, and her mind-body will not let go of it and other unanswered questions.
His response to the issue (anger, defensiveness, threatening to storm out) sent her right back to D-Day, and they argued. They BOTH became dysregulated… again.
Safety · Safety · Safety
I’ll say it again. Nothing happens without safety. There is NO progress.
What I find interesting in this example, and it is very common in my opinion, is that both parties feel unsafe. As mentioned in previous posts, without safety we shut down and become preoccupied with safety. The world can go to hell if we feel unsafe. Nothing else matters.
In Stan Tatkin’s Wired for Love, he writes, speaking of each partner's perception of threat, “It’s as if both brains are interacting amygdala to amygdala.”
It's a great way to reframe the dynamics at play.
I suggested to our guy in the real-life scenario above that he reassess what his role is in the moment. His role needs to be one of a loving, caring, protecting partner, keeping her safe. Stepping up, even in discomfort, even if it's hard, taking responsibility for her safety.
One of them needs to be regulated to help the other. Guess who needs to do the work? It’s probably best if he does. She “could” do it, but I don’t think that would be ideal, or fair. That might play into his mommy-wounds or reinforce a lack-of-agency mindset … and anyway, she would again feel like she has to do it all, even though she was not the unfaithful. Sounds very tiring to me.
There’s more to this, but you get the idea. He (the unfaithful) has a lot of work to do to turn himself around, to find solidity consistently, in order to help you and the relationship.
I coach men on how to turn themselves around, take care of their shit so they can take care of you.
👉 Book a Confidential 50-Minute Strategy Session with David
Related Reading & Next Steps:
- The 3 Pillars Relationship Recovery Roadmap — A framework for relationship healing.
- The Body Keeps the Score: The 5 Cleanup Tasks After Betrayal — Your tactical operational cleanup guide.
- I’m Frustrated: The Raw Truth About Betrayal — My unfiltered message to both partners.
- Men: Your Mind Won’t Let You Rest. Clean Up the Mess. — Why facing your stuff and cleaning your nest brings a clean conscience.