A Lesson from Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score
I’m listening again to Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. Great book. I’ve listened to it several times. What I like about it is his way of speaking about how the human organism operates ... he puts words to it so well.
Much of the book is about PTSD and C-PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and how the body, mind, and mind-body react after experiencing something disturbing where the organism was unable to process the event or events at the time or soon after.
He also speaks to the situation where we can “know” about our body’s reaction intellectually, but that knowing does not stop the physical or emotional reaction when met with the same or similar stimuli.
What a conundrum! A shitty, shitty place to be.
What Traumatic Imprints Look Like
This stood out to me today:
“…what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.”
“Trauma robs you of the feeling that you are in charge of yourself…”
“The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and your mind—of your self. This means feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed. For most people this involves:
- Finding a way to become calm and focused,
- Learning to maintain that calm in response to images, thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations that remind you of the past,
- Finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the people around you,
- Not having to keep secrets from yourself, including secrets about the ways that you have managed to survive.”
Bursting the Self-Preoccupation Bubble
I was speaking to a meeting participant recently. I don’t know his background or what he has done to be in the situation he’s in, but his focus was primarily on himself and all the things he’s been doing in recovery.
I asked if his wife feels safe and what he is doing to cultivate safety for her …
He stammered and didn’t give a clear answer.
That was clear evidence that his mind and focus are not on her safety as a priority to enable her healing and the healing of the relationship.
I see this all the time.
My approach is to listen to unfaithful men and provide understanding and guidance as to what to do next. Your guy is stuck in a state of preoccupation with his own issues and anxieties. He needs to see the bubble keeping him trapped, attend to those inner issues, and at the same time attend to you and the needs of the relationship.
Most men state they want to be what their wives want them to be, but they don't know how to or where to start. I do.
I help men attend to their inner world, take meaningful action, and attend to your needs, starting with absolute safety and progressing from there.
No Safety = No Progress.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- Repair After Infidelity Requires You to Be Present — Why your partner's threat radar stays tripped and how men can build real relational presence.
- The Filing Cabinet Metaphor: How Infidelity Shatters Reality — Understanding betrayal trauma and how the human brain processes emotional shock.
- Accepting Consequences Frees the Unfaithful to Change — Dropping self-preoccupation, facing reality, and creating true safety.
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.