Do I want my kids to have the same issues? F*ck No. Do I want to be a better father? F*ck Yes.
Intergenerational Trauma & Agency to Change
Transgenerational, ancestral, multigenerational, historical, inherited trauma. Call it what you want, but research says it’s a thing.
It seems sooooo common I call it the "standard dysfunctional family." Everyone seems to have a measure of it. I haven’t yet met anyone who doesn’t speak of the shit they grew up with, or a family member who had hurtful, unhelpful behaviors or ways of communicating.
(A great series on YouTube about this: John Bradshaw’s "Bradshaw On: The Family" discusses toxic shame, the "lost self," addiction, and how unhealthy rules get passed down in families.)
Either way, when it comes up, it sucks big time.
How does it show up?
You tell me. It seems different for everyone:
- Angered by perceived disrespect (someone didn’t acknowledge you?)
- Someone telling you what to do
- Someone not telling you what to do
- A glance, a look, an expression
- A tone of voice
- Someone’s body language, gait, or presence
- A boss, manager, or authority figure micromanaging or enforcing rules
- Someone else restricting or controlling you
- Fatigue, tiredness, sleepiness
- Hopelessness, loneliness, generally feeling unwell
- Lack of direction in life
- Lack of enthusiasm, despair, a "void"
- An inability to follow through, start many things yet finish none
- Many ideas but never start anything
- A fear of failure or a fear of success
- A fear of being seen and/or known deeply
- A fear of not being seen or known
- Addictions, compulsions, just weird behavior
- Fuck me, this could be an endless list.
Whatever the case, there are behaviors or thinking patterns that, in my opinion, are evidence of unhappiness and historical family dysfunction ... and they are hard to shake.
Experts say time and again: if you don’t attend to them, you hand them onto the kids.
"OK David, you’ve sold me. What do I need to do?"
- Acknowledge / Acceptance – Admit it.
There is a problem. How do I know? You’re unhappy. - Accept what comes next.
Anger, resentment, sadness, anxiety, depression, grief, etc. Something comes up, maybe (more) tears of frustration. - Own it and commit to finding answers.
You may not have caused it—I’m pretty certain you didn’t—but you got it. Own it. Own it. Own it. It’s a part of you. This is tough. Don’t battle against it. Don’t reject it. Own it. You didn’t cause it—know this—and know it can be better. - Seek answers on how to change and what to do.
I didn’t say think about seeking answers. I said seek answers. Guess what? They are not in a bottle, not in a pill container, drug dealers don’t sell them, your affair partner hasn’t got the answer, and OnlyFans/porn/the massage parlor hasn’t got them either.
Agency to Change
This is such a big deal. If you have felt helpless and/or hopeless, this is an issue.
We can talk about this. I am not talking about going from 0 to 100 in a click of the fingers. It doesn’t work like that. It’s 0 to 1, 1 to 2, 2 to maybe 4, 4 to 6. Incremental.
Some people, I've seen it many times, have an idea of the minute/day and go all-in 100%, only to crash and burn and, yet again, beat themselves up. A friggin’ awful cycle to be in.
Either way, whether you’re the one who is unable to move or the one who moves too quickly, there are answers and help available. If not me, then someone else, but it is worth your time and effort to get help.
Do you want to pass this onto your kids? I bet you a gazillion dollars you do not.
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- The 3 Pillars Relationship Recovery Roadmap — A structured framework out of betrayal chaos.
- There IS a Silver Bullet! — How unfaithful partners learn agency, break past trauma excuses, and rebuild relational safety.
- Terrence Real’s Audiobook “US” is a Must Listen — Moving from self-preoccupation to generational accountability.