A Powerful Technique My Wife Taught Me: Identity Change (Stopping Porn and Affairs)
“Those cookies are not for me.”
Like me, my wife has a bit of a sweet tooth. Occasionally, she goes into the office for work. There, they offer free tea and coffee … and great biscuits.
“How do you not eat them?” I ask.
“Oh, I just say, ‘They are not for me. I don't eat the biscuits at work.’”
That’s it.
Such a powerful technique for identity change.
Speaking to unfaithful men as much as I do, I hear limiting self-talk so incredibly often:
- “I’m a no-good scumbag who can’t stop watching porn. I’ve watched it since I was a teen!”
- “I can’t get off dating apps.”
- “I just can’t find a way to be present for my wife when she’s angry at me.”
Remember the book As a Man Thinketh — James Allen (1903). The title is influenced by a verse in the Bible from the Book of Proverbs, chapter 23, verse 7:
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”
It's very similar to:
“Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-made.”
— Dhammapada, Verses 1–2
Shifting the Internal Narrative
I teach men to change their thought patterns:
- “I used to watch porn, but I don’t anymore.”
- “I used to be tied to dating apps, but I’m not anymore.”
- “I used to get overwhelmed when my wife was expressing her pain, but I don’t anymore.”
Do you see how powerful this is?
What changed? The identity changed, that’s what.
- “I used to flip burgers for McDonald’s, but now I’m an engineer.”
- “I used to suck at tennis, but now I’m, you know, not too bad.”
- “When I started out as a teacher, I was sooo nervous! Now, I’m a school principal.”
It’s the same with addictions and infidelity: “I used to do that, but now I don’t.”
A new experience, or an experience repeated, changes the identity:
- “Guitar was so hard when I picked it up. Now I'm a guitarist in a rock band.”
You get the idea.
Ancient Wisdom & Modern Healing
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
— Romans 12:2
“A man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.”
— Bhagavad Gita 17.3
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
— Lao Tzu
“As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.”
— Proverbs 27:19
Behavior tends to align with identity. Your identity and perspective are related.
In Gabor Maté’s The Myth of Normal, he mentions a client who went through a transformation after attaining a different perspective:
“She began to free herself from the conditioned set of beliefs, behaviors, and emotions, and hence from the physiological responses these dictated.”
Much of this work is about perspective:
- Who do you think you are?
- What is your present identity?
- What experience(s) do you need to have to change your identity?
Taking It Off the Table
Taking sex outside of marriage, including pornography, off the table will initially result in higher levels of anxiety, agitation, and frustration. The soother has been removed. The void left will be uncomfortable.
You will then be open to find healthier ways to cope with stress and whatever brought you here in the first place.
Over time, when you say, “I used to do that, but I don’t do it anymore,” it will come from a much deeper “knowing”… an experiential knowing. Your new identity will be solidified, and you will feel stronger, more robust, and resilient.
Yet another change in identity: “I feel strong, robust, and resilient, and able to cope with stress and life’s ups and downs better than I ever have before.”
Your self-esteem and relationships will improve.
One More Thing: Becoming the Learner
It is helpful to see yourself, I mean your identity, as a learner (in this recovery process).
With the identity of a learner, compassion is present. We all have compassion for learners by default. Staying in the mindstate of compassion, see if you can extend it to your betrayed partner.
In this mindstate of compassion, swap out you, the learner, and put your wife in the picture. We can talk about this, too. Compassion is essential in recovery. A post for another time ...
👉 Book a Call with David Today
Recommended Reading & Next Steps:
- The 3 Pillars Relationship Recovery Roadmap — A structured framework out of betrayal chaos.
- How Do You Move Out of Shame? You Clean Up Your Mess — Taking 100% responsibility after discovery.
- Why Quit Porn? Anna Lembke, Dopamine & Arthur C. Brooks — Neurobiology and breaking digital compulsions.
- Methods of Recovery: How Broken Trust Is Actually Rebuilt — The 6-step relational reconstruction blueprint.