I’ll likely update this page at times so be sure to visit again.
I’ve intentionally kept this limited so as not to overwhelm you.
Reading/Audiobooks/Podcasts:
Michelle Mays (LPC, CSAT-S) - Book: The Betrayal Bind. An absolute must read for both partners. It’s become a favorite for betrayed women and clearly describes the agonizing reality of being tied to someone who has become unsafe. It helps him get you and what you are experiencing mentally and physically. If he is not a reader, it’s available on audiobook.
Dr. Anna Lembke - Book: Dopamine Nation. Professor and Medical Director of Addiction Medicine. One of my all-time favorite speakers on Dopamine. I prefer podcasts where she is interviewed as the information is more nuanced. Both the book and podcast interviews discuss real cases and solutions. Also available on audiobook.
Dr. Stan Tatkin - Book: Wired for Love. As above, Stan Tatkin is great to listen to when interviewed. This is probably not the first book I’d suggest as you partner may not be ready to hear it yet. He speaks to the attachment wound (as does Michelle Mays above) and the “Couple Bubble” that supports and enables trust … the “I’ve got your back” mindset. Also available on audiobook.
Dr. Paula Hall - Senior accredited Sexual & Relationship Psychotherapist and author. Another favorite of mine. Again, great to listen to both on podcasts and explain what went on and what is going on.
Dr. Omar Minwalla - He has written papers and done interviews on Sexual Betrayal. It’s quite heavy going for both you and the unfaithful. I’ll link one of them here. You have been warned. I probably wouldn’t ask the unfaithful to read it if discovery was very recent. He may not be able to handle the shame that comes up. You, on the other hand, would benefit from reading it. Perhaps best when you have support to handle the emotions that come up.
Dr. Eddie Capparucci - Book: Going Deeper. Dr Eddie as they call him, is much liked by both the betrayed and the unfaithful. He’s very compassionate and understanding and helpful in understanding both the problem and the solution. He’s quite insightful as are all the other authors mentioned here.
Johann Hari - Book: Stolen Focus. A great book about distraction. Big business wants our money and our eyes on screens. Unfortunately, this does not bode well for relationships. Relationship + Distraction ≠ Happiness. We were not designed to handle all the incoming stimuli that we are exposed to in the modern world we live in.
Dr. Stephen Porges & Seth Porges - Book: Our Polyvagal World: How Safety and Trauma Change Us. Full Disclosure: I haven’t read the book; however, the interviews I have found send the message loud and clear. Find ways to regulate your nervous system. Dr. Porges’ other books are extremely dry and clinical. His interviews with son Seth are fantastic and very worth your while.
Dr. Jeffrey Rediger - Book: Cured. He studied health and in particular, spontaneous remissions from “incurable” diseases and conditions. Along with the books above and many others I’ve read, reducing stress is vital to regulate the body-mind for good health and making wise decisions. His audiobook is read by him, and he has a wonderful calming voice. *Note: This has nothing to do with betrayal or addiction. This is about making life changes for better health and wellbeing.
Helping Couples Heal - Podcast. A great well-known podcast with insightful hosts and interviewees (including Drs Minwalla and Tatkin mentioned above).
HE NEEDS A GUIDE
I cannot say this strongly enough. I have seen it too many times.
A problem is that when couples find themselves in this situation, most often it is the male partner has been “Discovered”, known as D-Day or Discovery Day, they start from scratch and set about trying to understand the problem(s) and eventually, the solution.
Unfortunately, this costs a lot of time and money.
You don’t need to start from scratch. You don’t need to pay enormous fees for specialist programs and courses at this point. Maybe never.
In most cases it seems the betrayed partner is hypervigilant and seeking information and the unfaithful is doing his (or her in reverse case scenarios) to AVOID the whole situation altogether, only doing the barest minimum to attempt to keep any sense of peace. In doing so NOBODY is happy and NOBODY is moving ahead with repair or healing. It is so painful to watch people draw this time out in emotional, dysregulated states AND spend money in places it doesn’t need to be spent, adding to an already stressful situation. We are supposed to be finding safety, not financial instability (unsafety).
With Guidance
He will get to the point when he stops avoiding dealing with the damage and pain his behaviors have caused and starts to take control of the relationship repair and attend to his deeply rooted coping strategies. It is my job to help him to get to that point and continue. You look after you and the family for the most part, I will guide him into and through recovery.
There’s a lot of work for him to do and I won’t overwhelm you with it here.
I have a checklist of practices and changes he needs to make if any kind of repair is to take place.
As mentioned on another page, this needs attention. Unfortunately, none of this will go away by itself.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
You did not cause this.
Strictly Confidential.