Action Steps
Toward Repair (or Assessment)
Q: Why do I say Repair or Assessment?
A: Because the betrayed partner needs more information on his ability and willingness to “do the work”.
Should I stay or should I go?
Should I kick him out?
There are likely good reasons to stay, very good reasons, and yet the mind may scream: “Go! Run!” My suggestion is to obtain more data. Find a healthy measure of physical and mental regulation, and more data, more information and then make a decision.
Both partners taking action will give you more data. Data results from action. Is he serious? Is he interested? Can he learn? Can he learn from failure? Is he willing? Will he eventually take ownership and responsibility? Can I be patient? Can I set boundaries? Can he honor my boundaries? Will the children benefit? How? So many questions …
For Both of You
It’s vital to find ways to regulate your nervous system. The Resources page lists some authors to check out. Why? How can you make wise decisions if the nervous system is on fire? Emotions tend to drive the bus instead of calm, considered assessments followed by decisions based on all the available information. It’s difficult I know.
Find a safe group of people who understand what you are going through. This may not be your current friends/relatives. It’s likely a new person or group who has been through (or is going through) your experience. The initial thought might be to isolate or hide. In these times empathetic support should be a priority. There are groups run by specialists and many that are free. I can give ideas in session with your partner.
Choose to educate yourself. The mind-body is amazing. Why do we do what we do? What are the triggers, the drivers of behavior? How do we react or respond in times of calm and in times of crisis? What is going on underneath the bonnet that determines our thoughts, feelings and resulting actions?
For Him to Attend to With Me
He will need to attend to his coping strategies and “go-to” behaviors when stressed or activated which is likely tied to his belief system and identity, likely stemming from his Family of Origin and childhood conditioning. I have a checklist that will help with this investigation and some suggestions on what to do about it.
Many men have the “It’s all about me” thinking. “My problems, my woes, my comfort, my discomfort, my effort.” One of my specialties is turning their thinking around to understand it’s not all about them. They signed up to a relationship or marriage, and they need to become a fully participating member of it. Not just participating but also protecting the relationship.
Distractions and addictions (pornography, social media, gaming, alcohol, over-working, etc.) can be used as avoidance strategies. Men are experts at avoiding what is uncomfortable. Including tough conversations with angry wives. I help men stay present for you and the children. Remember: Relationships + Distractions ≠ Happiness.
There are many things to attend to. The best step is to book an appointment for him to have a talk with me, to determine the situation and the next steps. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel or spend time and money doing it. That is painful. And expensive.
Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma, Addictions and Relationship Repair are becoming better understood in the therapy world, however there is a lot of wading through to get to the good information. I’ve done the wading. I can show you (him) the shortcuts.
Safety Then Repair. Truth, Trust, Empathy, Support, Stability, Presence, Focus, Attention, Care, Consideration, Connection.
Strictly Confidential.